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Chewbacca and His Awesomeness

Alright weirdos, lets get down to some serious and some not so serious discussion. It's time for a hairy slap to the face by none other than the hairiest 8' of awesome to ever cruise the galaxy. Thats right, I am of course talking about the intergalactic legend Chewbacca. Totally awesome. I suppose that an introduction is required in case you've lived in a cave without access to the world for the past 40 years. Chewbacca is the engineer, enforcer and overall ass kicker of the Millenium Falcon. He wanders from system to system beating everyone in the face and laughing it up all the time.


Here is why he's a BOSS!


1) Biggest Moustache EVER: Chewbacca's stache is damn epic. Its almost as big as outer space itself, and its certainly bigger than you. This wookies stache is at least 6 feet long, and extends downward to cover his wookie nuts, something all space babes cry about constantly, because they want them bad. Except they also want his moustache, so who knows whats going on. Anyway, it also extends back around and covers the rest of his body too. EPIC.


2) Han Solo: Thats right, Chewie is so totally boss that his freakin' side kick is the space pirate Han Solo, who is in total debt to Chewie. Which means that there was this one time when Han was all drunk and dancing like a douche, and Chewie totally saved him from being embarassed and and going home with some crazy space hog. From then on Han always owed a great debt to Chewie and vowed to follow him all over space like a lost puppy until he could do something as cool and incredible like that for Chewie. Which will never happen, because Wookies can hold their liqour and aren't desperate losers.

3) Bowcaster: Fuck lightsabers. Those futuristic dildos are for chumps. Really? A beam of light. SUCK it! What Chewie has is a fucking space gun. Except its better than a gun because it looks like a crossbow. Thats right, having a regular laser gun isn't good enough for Chewie, he needs one that is 100X more badass because it's shaped like another awesome weapon. It also fires bullets and rockets. Darryl from TWD would kiss Chewies left nut for a crossbow as cool.

4) Freakin HUGE: Look at him! He's huge! Like, almost bigger than a Jabba the Hut.

5) No silly pants. Wookies don't wear pants. I know you're jealous, and probably a little turned on right now. Admit it. I know I am, in fact, I think maybe I should work up the guts to not wear pants ever... woah, slow down Doc, not even I'm that awesome.

6) He'll Eat You: Seriously, he's a Wookie. He can rip your arms off and eat them. And then he'll blow your leftovers out into space.

So thats pretty much it in a nutshell. This is just the beginning of his long list of achievements, like beating Darth Vader at armwrestling, farting on the Emperor's pillow when he was out to lunch, turning down princess Leia (Han Solo was sloppy seconds) and banging 3/5 of Jabba's dancers as well as his Rancor... but we won't get into that right now. Because frankly, I don't know if I can handle the awesome.

So laugh it up fuzzballs. Chewbacca is totally awesome, and if you want to be totally awesome, you should try to be more like him. Stay Savage!!



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